Friday, April 29, 2005

Values Count For Nothing On A Desert Island

I had my first Burger King burger today in maybe 3 years? It was shit, i'm not having another in a long time...
But I was so hungry, that was all the food I had for today and theres not much else available, barring pasta with stock flavouring on top. I brought a $25 record (Nelsh Bailter Space, for those who are interested) and had about $20 for food this week, Heather was going out with Lucy (newest flatmate) and an old friend of hers for dinner. I'd been feeling lonely and miserable (mainly at myself for fucking up the relationship between myself and Heather) so I tagged along, they jokingly mocked me for not being invited, which didn't help things much. Once we got there, we were all looking at the food, pizza's cost $13 and i'd already spent $8 on pens for school (I didn't have any) and Heather has been annoyed at me recently because of my lack of money I have partly stopped doing things with her, as almost anything costs money and I don't have any! So when ever the situation has arised I try and pay for stuff, as a sign that I am trying to do the right thing, but this has left me with like $7 for food this week... And I have to ask Heather for it as thats what she owes me.

I got denied for Straightjacket Fits. Fucking Lucid, they told me I was on the door, but I wasn't, I'd drunken the equivilent of 7-9 beers (my bushmans beer is no beer can its a 7-800 ml bottle thanyouverymuch!) so I was mildly drunken, happily tippysy, so not taking my frustration out on the door girl, I wandered off into the night cursing Lucid, here there and everywhere.

Enough bitching, I need a house to stay at for a week or so...
No offers?

MuntFM 88.5, Myself and Bernie are doing a probably regular 3-hour set on saturdays 2pm-5pm, it's broadcast on the web so have a listen if you want (should be a gas!) i'll pop up a playlist like I used to do on my LJ.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Don't The Hardliners Just Get So boring? They Climb On The Merry-Go-Round And Don't Get Off

I actively dislike, no I hate the government making me borrow to live. I'm distracted enough as it is without 15 hours a week working. This sounds like a load of shit, but when I work I shut down, at least at the jobs I have available. I've had a great year thinking and pondering shit, after the mind numb that is fulltime New World employment, I'm getting a show on Munt FM soon (Bernie better fucking get back to me soon) could even be this weekend, things like that, I'm taking on the recording of Hot Swiss Mistress' (that's a hard one to grammarise!) album, and I'm helping out tech wise with Cortina, because they deserve all the help they can get those Kiwi Battlers! Add to this I'm getting a bigger role in Lucid magazine & all this really works alongside my studies.
I've been reading an excellent summery of the NZ National Front which while being an entertaining read, reiterated to me why people get so sick of politics, it's constantly going around in circles, there's hardly anything new that comes up. No one I think of actually supports the principle, it just always comes back to some beaureaucratic answer which befundles anyone trying to understand.

Note: Part time positions are for more than 20 hours a week. Yay! So even Metro New World don't want me, I just want to work 10 hours somewhere... I have no issues paying my fees for uni, it goes with the territory. I just keep thinking over in my head how on the dole I was earning $200ish instead of the crappy $150 a week in DEBT I am incurring at the moment. I know most people would say "what's the difference?" well at the moment

Rent + Power = 100 p\w. That leaves $50 for everything. Clothes, gigs, food, doctor (yeah right!), everything. An extra $50 like when I was on the dole would leave me comfortable, I could even SAVE money, how rad is that?

But this bent gets me feeling miserable, it's soul destroying, simple as that. The real world sucks sometimes. Breaking up with Heather is weird, we still sleep in the same bed, I still love her, but the cycle we've gone through of being really good and then steadily degrading into anger and non-communication, really sucks, I need to start looking around for flats. Heather has changed her mind, I don't think she wants to break up, but this is like the 3rd time in the last two months this has happened and I'm feeling better mentally having the certainty, relationships can turn into a crazy rollercoaster sometimes... It'd be better for both of us if I left...

Monday, April 25, 2005

Don't You Hate Being Flawed?

It sucks.

Anyone need a flatmate?

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Times Change And They Wander On

Heather wants to find a seperate flat, it comes back to me in the end, every so often when faced with a difficult situation (especially with Heather) i'll tell a white lie to ease myself out of it with as little confrontation as possible, it's gotten so bad that i've recently had to mentally tell myself not to do it. Yet theres a dirty trail heading right back to when we first started going out.
Heather realised another one today (i've been trying hard and I think successfully to stop, it sucks!) and that was it. We're both looking for a new flat seperatly now. That means, Lucy, who just moved in is going to move out too.
It kind of sucked, this relationship seemed like it could go on forever, but recently we've just been drifting. We've both changed so much since we first started going out. So it's not a surprise. Sucks but you have to deal with it I guess.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

A Long Time Away And Yet Nothing Has Changed

Listening to Ashes to Ashes by David Bowie (Thats alot of capital letters ain't it?) and i'm pondering university. I want to be there, I enjoy the social aspect to it, I could enjoy being a lecturer\academic, which is something i've felt for a while now. The problem is my C marks i've gotten recently, in all 3 of my papers i've got C's. At college, I didn't give a fuck about it, as I wasn't enjoying it, there was no point to it and I knew I could slide on through.
Fast-forward to Uni now. I've got nothing stopping me, no one is forcing me to do anything, yet i'm still plauged by these poor marks. As mentioned before, I have in the past, taken comfort from my belief in my higher intelligence than those around me. I don't want to slide on through, i've set myself standards. Part of intelligence is the underlying ability to absorb ideas. I seem to do that rather well. But I think the problem here is that I haven't prepared myself at all, laziness. If I structure my assesment and give myself time to explain my thinking in these assesments then hopefully I can acheive at a higher level than before.

I think I might become a vegetarian for a while, try the other side. I know a fare few people in varying stages of vegetarianism (Isn't it cooky how you can be kinda vege, or mostly vege yet you ominvore is an omnivore, there isn't nearly as much scope for being different types of meat eater) and I thought i'd give it ago.
I don't like the way that modern meat is processed (The Skeptics video for AFFCO anyone?) it's impersonal and lifeless. I have no problems with killing animals, fuck it's nature, but say the cold efficiency of the meatworks is something that bugs me. Having spat out that garbled rant, most other parts of our modern lives also come back to this, i've just chosen to concentrate on this aspect.

Bernie's party coming up, should find out more about that one, he's in a fuckload more bands now, having going Alabaster Theatre, so the possibility of him starting a band with moi and Gina is looking vauger as the days go by. Jo has invited me to a formal dinner mathingy, sounds like a ball. Suits and all!

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Today

Heahter and I haven't talked for 5 days now, what do I do?

Today

Heather hasn't talked to me for five days, we've slept in the same bed, she just brushes me off, she doesn't want to split but i'm feeling very stink

Friday, April 01, 2005

The Good Times Are Killing Me...

I haven't talked with to Heather for two days, yet we live in the same room together.